The Rules That River Song (Never) Follows - Harry Potter edition
by Wall With A Fez
Summary: Someone creates a list of rules for River Song to follow when she goes to Hogwarts and of course she decides to break them. Series of one shots, centred around River Song. Pairings Harry/Ginny, Ron/Hermione, Amy/Rory, River/11 and mentioned River/Voldemort. Rated T for language that may or may not be in there, I honestly can't remember.
1. Chapter 1

**Welcome to this story, it is basically a series of one shots centred round River Song when she went to Hogwarts in an alternate universe. Basically someone creates a set of rules and River decides not to follow them.**

**Chapter 1; Don't announce that you were married to Voldemort in a parallel universe**

River Song wandered down the train, looking for a compartment and finally she came across a carriage with only a boy with black hair and boy with ginger hair sitting in. She slid the door open.

"Are you really Harry Potter?" the ginger boy asked, the black haired boy, the black haired boy nodded.

"Oh – well I thought it might have been one of Fred and George's jokes," the ginger boy said, "and have you really got – you know..." he said pointing at Harry's forehead, Harry pushed his hair back to reveal a lightning scar.

Then Harry looked up and saw River,

"hello," he said cautiously,

"hi," River replied,

"I'm Harry Potter," he told River,

"hey Harry, I'm River Song and in a parallel universe I was married to Voldemort," River told him confidently, Ron screamed like a girl, Harry paled. Oh right, River thought to herself, nothing like a good honest introduction.


	2. Chapter 2

**Ok in this series it will jump about a bit from story to story, so at the start I will tell you which book the chapter is set in and many scenes will just happen in that year.**

Don't announce wands could be more sonic

The Philosopher's Stone

"Aren't wands amazing," Hermione said to a bored River Song, "you can use them to get stuff to you,"

"isn't that what Oods are for?" River asked,

"what's an Ood?" Hermione asked.

"Wands are cool and all that but they could be better," River told her,

"how could a wand be better?" Hermione asked,

"well it does all the stuff that you can do with a sonic screwdriver," River said, "with a wand you can open doors and cut rope and animate inanimate objects. But you can do all of those things with a sonic screwdriver. Also sonics can be used to rewrite muggle software, they are only dangerous if you are clever and wands, they let stupid little 11 year olds wave them, which could easily kill them," River Song ranted, clearly on a role.

"River you are 11," Hermione reminded her,

"no I'm not," River replied thinking back to all those years as Melody and Mels.

"You are basically saying wands are rubbish and that everyone in this year is stupid," Hermione said,

"I'm not saying everyone in this year is stupid, you are not, neither is Harry. It is debatable about Ron but I'm not saying wands are rubbish. I'm just saying that wands could be more sonic," River said,

"50 points from Gryffindor," Snape said, "for bad mouthing wizards."

River Song sighed, but it is true. Wands could be more sonic.


	3. Chapter 3

**Ok I need to clear some thing up, this story is an au. Just imagine that in Lets Kill Hitler when River saved the Doctor the energy turned her into a baby. Then the Ponds got to raise her. Also I am not completely heartless so River now has a little sister. **

Don't buy Snape shampoo for Christmas

Philosopher's Stone

River Song walked down the corridor to her Potions class, happier than usual. There was a bounce in her step and her corkscrew blonde curls bobbed as she walked. She walked with her 3 friends who were all in less of a cheery mood.

"Why are you in such a good mood? We have potions now?" Harry asked,

"excuse me Snape is going to be hilarious," River replied.

In the first years potions lesson Snape was crankier than usual, "what's wrong with Snape?" Ron asked, "he is worse than usual,"

"500 points from Gryffindor!" Snape shouted,

"look Gryffindor has already got itself into minus house points," River said, "we haven't got anything to loose." So she stood up,

"Professor Snape maybe you need some shampoo for Christmas," River said, at this comment Snape broke down.

The class exchanged a look, "excuse me Professor, are you ok?" a Slytherin girl asked, concerned about her head of house.

"Some person sent me some shampoo for Christmas," he sobbed,

"look mate that shampoo was bloody expensive, you could at least show some consideration," River Song said.

"You bought me shampoo for Christmas," Snape said stunned,

"yes, do you like it?" River asked, grinning (inwardly, of course) because she had made the meanest teacher ever break down.

"Everyone always bullies me," Snape cried, his head on his arms.

"Yes and I am trying to help you. Because if you washed your hair, people might not bully you and you might have some friends," River said insightfully.

"Detention Miss Song, every night for a month," Snape shouted,

"oh that's consideration."


	4. Chapter 4

Don't use your teacher for snowball practice

The Philosopher's Stone

"What are you doing?" Fred asked River Song, who at this point was aiming her wand at the snow on the ground.

"Trying to bewitch the snow, not for a psycho snowman invasion, I just want to bewitch snowballs to attack people for me," River replied.

"Who do you want to attack?" George asked, intrigued.

"Snape, Malfoy, Quirrell, Slytherins," River told him,

"ok we will help you," Fred said.

Half an hour later they had finally succeeded in bewitching the snowballs and River grinned as the snowballs repeatedly attacked Quirrell's turban. She still had that small part of Mels that loved to cause mischief in her. Quirrell was walking along pretending he didn't care but River could see that he was annoyed.

That's when Snape walked by, Fred and George were long gone by this point but River had seen them bewitch the snowballs but she decided she would get more pleasure from throwing it herself. River picked up the snowball and aimed, she knew from her years of training there was no way she could miss. So she put all her power into throwing it, as it sailed through the air River held her breath when suddenly the snowball turned into a owl. The owl then turned around and flew off, missing Snape completely.

River looked around annoyed, "Miss Song don't use your teacher for snowball practice," Professor McGonagall said, "5 points from Gryffindor,"

"but Professor..."  
"but Miss Song that was a very good throw, 10 points for Gryffindor," she said, River grinned, completely forgetting the snowball hadn't hit home. She had been given house points for causing trouble and that was all that mattered.


	5. Chapter 5

**Reminder, rated T who stupidity, immaturity and basically everything in this chapter.**

Don't write love letters to your teachers for a joke

The Philosopher's Stone

"River Song is so immature," Hermione moaned to Ron and Harry, for the 57th time, that week.

"What is she doing now?" Ron asked,

"writing love letters to teachers,"

"which ones?" Harry asked,

"Snape,"

"she loves Snape?! She needs to sort out her priorities," Ron said, but both Ron and Harry were intrigued so ran to the common room to see River curled up in an arm chair writing on some manuscript, but as Ron and Harry started walking over, so did the twins.

"What are you doing?" George asked,

"writing a love letters," River replied,

Fred snatched the letter of River, "to Snape!" he exclaimed.

"Read it to us," Harry said.

"Dear Snapey

Thank you so much for being such an excellent potions master, that is one of the reasons I love you. I also love you because you show those big headed Gryffindors who the boss is. Thank you for making fun of Hermione Granger, also for making Harry Potter's life a misery. I only realised I love you when that bitch River Song made you cry because she gave you shampoo for Christmas. I love you so so much and I wanted to tell you today and I was also wondering if I could have extra potion classes just so I could get to know you.

Love you very much

Draco Malfoy

Hugs, Kisses and Dragons."

Once Fred had stopped reading everyone looked at each other and suddenly started laughing,

"that is amazing," Harry said, through laughter.

"I wrote other ones too," River said chucking him another letter.

"My Dearest Albus,

I've known you for a long long time and I think to put it simply, I love you. I think we have been hiding our real feelings for too long. So meet me tonight at the top of astronomy tower and we can have a night to remember.

Love your little kitty xxx"

"Your little kitty?" Ron asked,

"McGonagall," Fred said,

"as you may or may not remember she is an animagus," River told him, "oh and one more."

"Dear Snapey Snookums,

I was hoping that tonight we could cause some more mess in your dark cavern, and then I can clean up.

Love Argus Filch x

PS I really enjoyed last night"

"Eurgh," Ron groaned,

"so what are you doing now?" George asked,

"I am going to the owlery and I'll send the letter using school's owls," River said,

"we can help," Fred said.

River, Fred and George, (the other two were forced to go to bed by Hermione) crept along the corridors and they finally got to the owlery and they sent the letters and went back to the Gryffindor tower.

The next day at Breakfast it was easy to tell something was wrong, Dumbledore looked slightly pale, McGonagall looked completely embarrassed, Draco looked very very annoyed and Snape... Snape looked disturbed.

River had been to busy watching Snape to see the owl fly to her, she only noticed when it started pecking her. She removed the letter from the owl's leg.

"Miss River Song

please can you come to my office after school to talk about appropriate school behaviour

Yours Sincerely

Professor Dumbledore

Headmaster Of Hogwarts."


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

**Don't Pretend To Be In The Wizard Of Oz**

**The Philosopher's Stone**

"I'm so sorry about River's behaviour," Amy said to Dumbledore for the 40th time,

"I would say she never used to be like this but then I would be lying," Rory added, thinking back to Mels blowing up the technology block at school, in year 7. He had no idea how she hadn't been expelled. There was a knock on the door,

"come in," Dumbledore called, Professor McGonagall entered.

"Professor Dumbledore, it's River Song, she's doing it again," she said,

"oh Mels," Rory cried and they all left the office.

As the walked out of the office they saw a cyberman walking down the corridor, next to River who was dressed in a blue pinafore and red shoes, who was holding a piece of string attached to Mrs Norris, and next to her was a walking scarecrow and next to it was what appeared to be a lion. Behind them was a group of house elves playing kazoos. Meanwhile the cyberman, the lion, the scarecrow and River we singing.

"We're off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of oz..."

"Melody Pond," Amy shouted, suddenly they stopped, River paled.

"Hey mum," River said, then suddenly she dropped to her knees.

"Pray to the wonderful wizard of Oz," she declared,

"praise to the wonderful wizard of Oz," the house elves cried also dropping to their knees.

"Oh wise one please help us," the lion said,

"I want a heart," the cyberman said in a monotone,

"I want a brain," the scarecrow told him,

"I want to be brave," the lion said,

"Stop," Dumbledore declared.

Everyone fell silent.

"Somewhere over the rainbow," River sang,

"silencio," Dumbledore said and River opened her mouth and closed it. She couldn't speak.

"House elves back to the kitchens, then he took the spells off the cyberman, the scarecrow, the lion and he untied Mrs Norris.

"Please come into my office," he said and ushered River and her parents into his office.

After this Dumbledore made a boring speech about not being rude to teachers, according to him River had given Snape a mental breakdown no fewer than 63 times. She had had detention at least 4 times a week. Every week. Quirrell was terrified of her, probably setting his turban on fire wasn't the smartest thing she had done. McGonagall wasn't please because River always referred to her as "Nice Kitty." Filch had made a list of all the school rules River had broken. To be honest she had caused as much if not more trouble than the Weasley twins. After about an hour of talking Dumbledore announced she was free to go and as she was just about to leave the room Dumbledore asked.

"Miss Song do you know who sent those teachers the letters?" he asked,

she was about to reply: are you talking about the ones I sent last night but instead manage to say.

"What letters?" she asked innocently and River left the room.


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

**Waving your Wand And Saying Words In Latin Is Not Appropriate Charms Research**

**The Philosopher's Stone**

"Ok class today with have a fun lesson," Professor Flitwick squeaked,

"yeah, yeah, yeah... whatever," River said, Ron and Harry laughed. Hermione hit them with her wand.

"You will be researching spells," he said, "now split into pairs."

Hermione had refused to go with River and River had refused to go with Ron, so Hermione was with Ron and Harry with River.

"Um... flavis," shouted pointing her wand at Harry,

nothing happened,

"caseus," still nothing happened,

"confodisti," she shouted.

Meanwhile every else looked through their text books.

"gallinaceo, viridi, rudera, tempus," River shouted, pointing her wand alarmingly at the chosen one.

"Hoc est a vastate de stupri tempus," she finally shouted,

"Miss Song, 10 points from Gryffindor, for inappropriate language and waving your wand and shouting random words in Latin," Professor Flitwick said.

Malfoy stood their laughing at River, "not so good now are we mudblood," Malfoy shouted,

"cucurbita caput," River shouted pointing her wand at Malfoy, he started laughing then suddenly. He stopped his face turned a bright orange and started inflating until his head had turned entirely into a pumpkin.

"My father will hear about this," a muffled voice shouted. All the Gryffindors were in fits of laughter.

"Miss Parkinson could you kindly escort Mr Malfoy to the hospital wing," Professor Flitwick said, struggling not to laugh.

"That was a very good spell Miss Song, 10 points for Gryffindor."


	8. Chapter 8

**hi welcome to chapter 8**

**First of all I would like to take a minute to thank everyone who has read and reviewing and added it to favourites and followed it. Please feel free to leave me a prompt.**

**Thank you Sakura Lisel for the prompts I will use them.**

**This chapter was written from a prompt by thetigerlilly. **

**Chapter 8**

**Don't Team Up With The Twins And Prank Snape**

**The Philosopher's Stone**

"Gred, Forge and River," Fred said,

"no," River said,

"River, Gred and Forge?" George asked,

"yes, I will go with being team River, Gred and Forge," River said.

"So team, I believe our first mission is to prank Snape," Fred said,

"agreed," George said.

Then they discussed their plot.

River stood in the hall way looking at the Marauder's map, Snape was in his study, she stood against the water pipes and started tapping out her message in Morse code.

"What's that?" George asked Fred, the stopped and listened to the tapping,

"Snape is in his office, get him out," they both said together, that's when a Slytherin prefect walked past.

Fred and George grabbed the prefect, the prefect started screaming and Snape ran out of his office. Snape started running at them but he managed to fall into the small swamp like pool that Fred and George had conjured up. They released the Slytherin prefect who tried to help Snape but managed to some how fall in as well.

Meanwhile River was in Snape's room, she pointed her wand at the shampoo, muttering spells and finally it worked the shampoo flew away. River grinned.

Snape kept trying to pull himself out, but every time he tried the more stuck he got. Suddenly a plastic object collided with his head. He looked round to see a bottle of shampoo flying at his head, it hit, it retreated, it attacked again.

At the same time River was taking the pictures out of her bag.

Fred and George ran off leaving Snape and the prefect in the swamp. They then went into their pockets which River had done something to make them bigger on the inside and they brought out the spray paint...

River grinned at Snape's clothes which were now multicoloured, she picked up his favourite cloak and aimed her wand at it. She concentrated and said the spell. A second later the cloak walked off.

Snape was still stuck in the swamp with the prefect when he heard someone singing, it sounded like a little girl.

"My name is Princess Sevvy-kins, I like kittens, and rainbows, and happiness. Lets all eat some cake. I love rainbows. My name is Sevvy-kins. Now sing this song with me. My name is Princess Sevvy-Kins, I like kittens, and rainbows..." an irritating voice sang. Snape turned just in time to feel something fasten around his neck. Something bright pink and fluffy, "I love rainbows. My name is Sevvy-Kins."

Meanwhile what were once dark walls leading to the potions classroom were now covered in multicoloured paint. Well... actually Fred and George painted rainbows, and bunnies, and kittens and they painted Snape on the wall wearing a pink dress doing ballet. Snape on the wall was dancing singing,

"My name is Princess Sevvy-kins, I like kittens..."

you get the idea.

They quickly entered the Potion's class room, they had no time to loose.

River pulled out a notebook from under his bed, she looked through a small grin spreading across her face when she realised what it was.

Snape was slowly going insane, the pink fluffy cloak fastened round his neck was still singing but now the shampoo had started singing a different song.

"If you Snapey want some friends, you have to something called wash your hair. If you want to smell like rainbows which I know you do. Use me now."

Fred and George stood back, their painting off Malfoy was now strutting about the walls, shouting "Snapey, Snapey dearest, where are you?"

Meanwhile there was also Harry Potter on the wall he was walking about being total awesome.

"I'm Harry Potter, I'm king of the school," Harry painting sung.

Then there was Snape.

"I am lonely. Oh so lonely. Nobody loves me. Only that idiot Malfoy boy. I'm alone. Oh so lonely."

Also they had hidden magical music players about the room and every 5 minutes one would turn on and start playing Justin Bieber. They had also charmed the door to play One Direction every time it was opened.

Then they heard the tapping, "Now run," they both said together.

Half an hour later, Filch discovered Snape and a prefect stuck in some kind of swamp. A bottle of shampoo was flying round Snape and singing and his cloak was bright pink and fluffy was also singing.

When everyone was eating breakfast the next day, Snape suddenly walked in, his cloak was still singing. It wouldn't come off and the shampoo was singing and attacking him.

"My name is Princess Sevvy-kins,"

Team River, Gred and Forge sat there laughing at their victim. So was everyone, but River still had the notebook she had found. But River had morals so decided to leave the teasing about his diary for another day.


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9**

**Don't Ride Fluffy Through Hogwarts While Lassoing Teachers While Dressed As A Cowgirl**

**Prompt from Sakura Lisel**

**The Philosopher's Stone**

**p.s. I decided not to set it at Halloween, sorry.**

When River had found Fluffy it was love at first sight. River had always wanted a large threatening looking dog and now she could have an angry one with three heads. Fluffy had always wanted an owner who encouraged him to eat people. How ever River more often got him to attack Slytherin's and make him drop them before he killed them.

River loved riding Fluffy around Hogwarts but she felt she wasn't doing it right. Then she realised she was obviously meant to dress us when doing it. River Song was dressed in a checked shirt, jeans, cowboy boots and grudgingly she had put on a cowboy hat. She also had a lasso, which she fairly good at using.

"Yee ha," River shouted and Fluffy started running towards, Snape. River prepared her lasso. Then she let it fly out towards him, Snape suddenly found himself tied in a very tight rope.

"Fluffy fetch," she shouted and Fluffy charged at the potions professor. Fluffy pounced upon Snape and started chewing him.

"Good Fluffy," she said as it chewed Snape,

"bother, bother, bother," Snape said over and over again.

"Now drop," she said and Fluffy spat out a wet Snape.

"Good boy, now let's find. Filch," River said.

Before long Fluffy had attacked 5 teachers, 37 Slytherin's and 3 ghosts.

River rode Fluffy down to Hagrid's hut,

"hello River," Hagrid called, "has Fluffy been good?"

"very good," River said, stroking the dog,

"thank you for walking him,"

"it's a complete pleasure, I am free any time," River told him.

"Thank you River I can always count on you to look after Fluffy," he said, then he looked at River, "River why are you dressed up a cow girl?"


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10**

**Sorry for lack of updates just school has restarted. YAY!**

**BTW What makes you beautiful belongs to One Direction.**

**Never Challenge A Mountain Troll To Naked Hide And Seek**

**The Philosopher's Stone**

**Prompt by Sakura Lisel (hopefully this game is suitable)**

"Hello," River said to the mountain troll she found in the cellar,

"hello," it replied, she grinned, pleased that she could speak troll.

"What's your name?" she asked,

"Moffat," he replied,

"cool, my name is River Song," she told him.

"do you want to play with me?" he asked, River smiled, realising it was only a child troll,

"of course, lets play naked hide and seek," she told him.

"Ok,"

"but first we need more people."

"Cullen you sparkly emo vampire, you will come with me or you will die," River said threatening Cedric Diggory with her wand. He obeyed.

"Oliver Wood you will come with me or I'll destroy your broom," River said, threatening the Gryffindor Quiditch captain.

"Percy you will come with me or I will control you and make you fail your OWLs," she threatened the Gryffindor prefect.

After 5 minutes, Cedric Diggory, Oliver Wood, Percy Weasley, River Song and Moffat were in the dungeon.

"You can hide anywhere in the school," River told the boys,

"what about our clothes?"

"you can get them when Moffat has found you," River told him,

"can't we get expelled for running through Hogwarts naked?" Cedric asked,

yep," River told them cheerfully. Then Moffat made them take off their clothes.

River hid in the Potions class room but forgot she charmed the door,

"baby you light up my world like nobody else," One Direction sung,

"oh fuck," a naked River swore, she stood there for a second and then heard the footsteps of Argus Filch,

"oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck, " said whisped.

Then River heard a noise, she looked up just in time to see the door opening but before it was fully open she felt a gust of wind and something materialising around her.

"River," she heard the Doctor say,

"hello Sweetie," she replied,

"why are you naked?" he asked,

"I was just playing a game of naked hide and seek," she told him,

"River you can't do things like that, you're 12,"

"no I'm not, I'm probably around 60 now," she told him doing a mental calculation of her age.

"In a 12 year olds body,"

"just like you then," she replied cheekily, he looked down at himself,

"I'm not 12,"

"you so are," River said walking past him to the wardrobe,

"River,"

"yes,"

"your parents are coming."  
"Shit."


	11. Chapter 11

**Hello people, I am so sorry I have been ages, I've just been very busy. I decided to carry this chapter on from the last one, so the Doctor has just arrived.**

**Chapter 11**

**Never try and hide from angry parents in Hogwarts**

**The Philosopher's Stone**

"Your parents are coming," the Doctor warned River,

"shit," she cried, she was naked, in the console room with her future husband. She quickly grabbed the Doctor's jacket, which was fortunately quite a good cover up. Amy ran in,

"Melody Pond, Doctor," Amy cried, "Rory get your sword," she yelled, River and the Doctor turned to each other in fear and they ran out of the TARDIS and straight into Filch.

"Your not meant to be here," he told the couple,

"oh yes we are, Dumbledore sent for me," the Doctor lied, showing Filch the psychic paper. Filch sighed and walked off, opening the door and setting one direction off again.

The Doctor and River sprinted off, they ran straight into Moffat. "Hey Moffat," River said,

"you can go and get your clothes now, I have found you," Moffat replied,

"thanks," River said and she ran off to the dungeon with her future husband on her heels.

Once they had reached the dungeons River quickly pulled on her clothes, the Doctor looked around, terrified. Then suddenly Rory ran in, his sword at the ready. Fortunately River was dressed by this point. "Expelliarmus," she cried, pointing her wand at her Dad. His sword flew out of his hand, he started to run at them, "levicorpus," she shouted again and he suddenly found himself dangling by his angles from the ceiling. "Sorry Dad," she cried, running out of the dungeon.

"You can't do things like that," the Doctor told her,

"or what? I'm already going to get banged up Stormcage for 12000 consecutive life sentences for killing you," River said, he growled annoyed. Then she turned to see Amy walking towards her,

"Melody Pond, this is extremely bad example of how you should behave fro your sister," Amy said, pointing at River's little sister who only 8 and in year 3 at school.

"Whatever," River said, rolling her eyes,

"Melody Pond, this is very serious,"

"silencio," River said, pointing her wand at her Mum. Amy went to up her mouth but found she had lost the ability to speak.

"River Song, 20 points from Gryffindor for attacking visitors," Professor Flitwick cried and suddenly Professor McGonagall turned up and took Amy away.

"However those spells you performed on both your parents were rather good, so 10 points for Gryffindor," he said walking away,

"see ya Sweetie," she told her future husband and she walked off. Rather pleased how her game of naked hide and seek had turned out.


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter 12**

**So today is a very sad moment, this the last story where River is in 1st year so next chapter will be the summer holidays. P.s. spot the Harry Potter puppet pals reference **

**Don't start a food fight in the end of term banquet**

**The Philosopher's Stone**

"Gryffindor," Dumbledore yelled and the banners around the great hall changed to show their emblem. River jumped on a table

"Losers," she yelled at the Slytherin's. Malfoy stood up angrily, so did all the Slytherin's.

"River Song, you've had this coming for a long time," Malfoy growled,

"yeah and Malfoy you've had this coming for even longer," she shouted and she picked up some mashed potato and hurled it across the hall and it hit him in the face. Everyone fell silent for a moment.

"Food fight," Gred and Forge yelled and suddenly food was flying everywhere. It was Gryffindor's, Hufflepuff's and Ravenclaw's vs Slytherin. They dodged the food being thrown at them by the Slytherin's while the Slytherin's kept being hit. Then suddenly River turned to see Professor McGonagall chuck treacle tart at Snape. River no longer cared about the Slytherin's, she started throwing everything she could find at Snape, including Hermione. Many people joined in and to be honest Dumbledore didn't care. It was the end of term and he was gay android.

A very sticky group of Hogwarts students climbed aboard the Hogwarts' express. "I want to stay at Hogwarts," Harry moaned.

"I am going to miss magic," River said truthfully,

"well I am going to do some extra work in the holidays so I can be ahead for next year," Hermione said,

"weirdo," River said and walked off and joined Fred, George and Lee.

On the platform River saw her parents talking to obviously Mrs Weasley. "River this is Mrs Weasley her son Ron is in your year and they live about 2 miles away from us,"

"oh no we are never going to see the back of River," Fred and George said jokingly,

"you make it sound like a bad thing," River said and then she walked off because in the crowd she had seen a man wearing a tweed jacket and a bow tie.


	13. Chapter 13

**Ok welcome to Chapter 13, thank you Sakura Lisel for kindly pointing out that I hadn't done some of your prompts, that was intentional (yeah right, Rachel who are you kidding?) but I am writing them in a different way. Under a different title and in this chapter I am going to use some language so explicit that I will have to put stars.**

**Never Leave Your Diary Unattended With Your Little Sister**

**Holidays**

River put down her diary, she was going over to the Weasley's to play Quidditch. She walked out of the room and closed the door, not noticing her little sister Annabel. Annabel Pond, more commonly known as Annie was 8 years old. She had green eyes and bright ginger hair that was tied in plaits. It was amazing how many times she had been mistaken as a Weasley.

Like most 8 year olds she wanted to know everything, and the biggest secret in the world to her was her 12 year old sister River. So when River left her alone with her diary, it was pretty obvious what was going to happen.

She opened it to the fourth page,

**Don't Use Your Teachers Or Other Students Hats/Turbans As Target Practice With Wands**

_Dear Diary (oh that sounds so soppy and cliché)_

_Today in Charms we were practising a spell that you can use to knock stuff over it's pretty awesome. So in the common room Harry and I had been practising to knock tins of baked beans over and we were both pretty good at it but Harry had Quidditch Practise so I was left alone but then Gred and Forge turned up and they persuaded me to try and practise on moving targets._

_So in Defence Against The Dark Arts when Professor Quirrell turned to face the blackboard (seriously these wizards are meant to be are very advanced species but they still haven't invited whiteboards) so I pointed my wand at his head and used it on his turban but when I did so his head started making weird noises and he had to leave the room and we got let out of class early. I reckon he's a Winder, like the Police Force on Starship UK. _

_After this I decided to do it on Professor McGonagall's hat in Transfiguration but she caught me and I got sent to Dumbledore's office, so as I was being told off I saw the Sorting Hat and part of me (the Mels part) went "What The Hell" and decided I had to use it as a target. _

_It was a rather good target, because it started swearing (normally, not with wizard swears) and moving about so I kept attacking it over and over again until it set Fawkes the Phoenix on me, which was rather interesting, in the end Dumbledore had to call Mr Filch to clear his office and I was put in detention but it was worth it._

_Songsters xxx_

"Songsters!?" Annie exclaimed laughing, she flicked back to the first page,

**Don't Announce That You Were Married To Voldemort In A Parallel Universe**

Annie couldn't help but laugh, her sister had always been strange. She read the following page titles,

**Don't announce wands could be more sonic**

**Don't buy Snape shampoo for Christmas**

**Don't use your teacher for snowball practice**

**Don't write love letters to your teachers for a joke**

******Don't Pretend To Be In The Wizard Of Oz**

******Waving your wand and saying words in Latin is not appropriate charms research**

******Don't team up with the twins and prank Snape**

******Don't go round school yelling wizards swears**

**"Ooh, I'm reading this," Annie declared,**

******Don't Go Round School yelling Wizard Swears**

**_Hello Diarykins (sounds even more soppy but less cliché, so deal with it) _**

**_Today I took it open myself to use as many wizard swears as possible in school, oh yes, I am that cool._**

**_So I was in Potions just chillin' with ma Crew i.e. Harry, Ron, Hermione and Neville, when Snape asked me to tell me two substances that were so poisonous that it could kill a person just by exposure. So I got up and yelled,_**

**"********_Hagird's butt-crack_****_ and _********_Voldemort's nipple_****_," everyone fell silent apart from a few people who were _****_sniggering, _**

**"_what kind of language is this?" Snape asked in his very Snape-y way._**

**"_Wizards Swears you _********_Son of a banshee_****_," I told him,_**

**"_ooh can I have a go," Ron asked,_**

**"_go for it you _********_blast-ended Skank_****_," I told him passing him the list,_**

**"_oh _********_Broomhead_****_," he said,_**

**"_good work Ron, now you Harry," _**

**"********_unicorn turds_****_," _**

**"_Hermione," she looked slightly worried before saying,_**

**"********_swish and flicker_****_," everyone applauded. _**

**"_Now you Neville," I told him,_**

**"_my Grandma doesn't let me use fowl language," he said quietly,_**

**"_are you a Gryffindor or not?" I asked,_**

**"_ok... _********_Leprechaun Taint_****_," he said,_**

**"_see you can do it you _********_flobby wanded Dementor Boggerer,_****_" I told him and everyone cheered,_**

**"********_rabble rousers_****_," Snape muttered,_**

**"_ooh get you _********_Cauldron Bum_****_," I said,_**

**"_tell us another one River," some people called,_**

**"****__****Jiggery Pokery, Expecto Patronads, Dobby's Sock, Muggle****ing Troll****jen and Dragon Bogeys,****_" everyone looked so amazed by this new language, _**

**"_tell us one more," people begged,_**

**"_ok I will tell you the Elder Swear but you must never ever repeat it, ok.." I took a deep breath, "_****__****Your Mother is a *****ing ****** Laura Mimsum ******** Adminvenium ************** Tragoolaw ******* Hippopautamus ************* Rebublican **************** and Daniel Ratcliffe ***************** With a Bucket of **************** And a Castle Far Away Where No One Can Here You ********************** Soup ************ With a Bucket of ************** Mickey Mouse ************* and A Stick of Dynamite ******* Magical *********** Alakazam!" ****_Everyone looked stunned and by the end of the day the whole school was yelling,_**

**"****__****Your Mother is a *****ing ****** Laura Mimsum ******** Adminvenium ************** Tragoolaw ******* Hippopautamus ************* Rebublican **************** and Daniel Ratcliffe ***************** With a Bucket of **************** And a Castle Far Away Where No One Can Here You ********************** Soup ************ With a Bucket of ************** Mickey Mouse ************* and A Stick of Dynamite ******* Magical *********** Alakazam!****_"_**

**_So overall it was a very good day,_**

**_Riv-Riv xxx_**

**"Riv-Riv?" Annie said giggling, suddenly the door opened **

**"what are you doing you ********unicorn turd****?" River yelled, Annie looked at her big sister,**

**"********Your Mother is a *****ing ****** Laura Mimsum ******** Adminvenium ************** Tragoolaw ******* Hippopautamus ************* Rebublican **************** and Daniel Ratcliffe ***************** With a Bucket of **************** And a Castle Far Away Where No One Can Here You ********************** Soup ************ With a Bucket of ************** Mickey Mouse ************* and A Stick of Dynamite ******* Magical *********** Alakazam!"**


End file.
